Tag Archives: Destroy

Accepting Who You Are And Learning To Love Being Alone Are Essential To A Happy Life

Over the course of time, you will learn that many people you thought would always be there will soon disappear. You will be let down time and time again, and eventually discover that the only constant in life is change.

With each passing day, people begin new relationships, while others end old ones. There are relationships that end well, and there are relationships that end poorly, with contrasting emotions leading the way. Some of these relationships will be major turning points in your life; some of them might either completely destroy you, or save you.

Putting trust into a person and giving them your dedication is one of the scariest things in life. Devoting your time and emotions, revealing your most personal qualities and background, and believing that this one person will not betray you or shame you for any of it, is a courageous step to take.

One secret could define your friendship; one mistake could end it all. It takes years to build trust and seconds to break it. The reason forming a relationship with someone and building the foundation for that relationship is so difficult is because once we have been hurt, we will never forget that pain – no matter what.

I have watched many of my own personal relationships come to a halting close. New chapters in my life have been slowly written time and time again. My social circle went from many, to a few that are worthy of my trust and loyalty. It took numerous occasions and difficult realizations for me to learn to accept the things that have happened in my life, and to accept what it is now for what it is.

Accepting who I used to be and the mistakes I made as that person, and not letting those mistakes define who I am today. Forgiving those who hurt me and who affected my life in negative ways. They were all fears to conquer, but I overcame them with perseverance. These were the first steps to my salvation.

The next step was realizing that it is okay to be alone. Growing up, if I did not have something to do on a Friday or Saturday night, I was blasting “I’m Just a Kid” by Simple Plan, crying in the dark and cursing off every single person that didn’t ask me to hang out. I’m happy to say that I’ve come a long way since then, and I have learned to appreciate solitude. Sitting in the middle of the ocean on a surf board and just letting the waves take me away, or sitting in a field alone and looking at the stars for long periods of time, are some of my favorites thing to do in the world.

“I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.” – Oscar Wilde.

I have also realized that getting lost in thoughts and in physicality is a beautiful thing. Over the years, I have learned that losing yourself and finding your way back makes the experience that much better. No matter what age you are, when you have a problem, or what that problem is, just go for a walk or drive and get lost. You will have sorted out your mind and troubles by the time you find your way back.

There is no better time than now for you to allow yourself to be happy. It is time to embrace yourself and all that you have to offer. Be alone; give yourself the chance to learn about yourself, expand your soul and allow yourself to grow. Enable each chapter of your life to help you become a better you. Press forward, putting one foot in front of the other, until you are finally so overwhelmingly confident that you can look back, and see that you have climbed mountains.

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How To Make Your Break Up Easier?

What distinguishes strong, attractive, accomplished people in any area of life from the rest? One of these things is their ability to accept losses with grace and dignity. Dating and romantic relationships are not an exception to this rule. It’s easy to enjoy love when it’s reciprocated and everything is great in your relationship with whoever you are dating, but too many people act in not so honorable ways to their partners and to themselves when things get rough in that relationship. It is of course understandable how someone who has problems with or loses a person who they love, care and had long-term plans to be with would be angry and frustrated after their lover unexpectedly leaves them or even worse – leaves them for someone else, but it is very important to your emotional health and to your proper recovery after the break-up to not make certain mistakes motivated by that anger. It might sound counter-intuitive to you now, but the sooner you learn how to forgive or at least how to rise above the break-up and any associated drama that better you will feel about yourself and about the whole thing. Here is a short but important list of do’s and don’t’s for that difficult time in your life, shortly after you broke up with someone you really care about:

Dont’s.

* Don’t disparage your ex to your friends or co-workers or her friends or co-workers. Don’t blame him/her for the break up and don’t get into the details of why things didn’t work out when you talk about your relationship with anyone except perhaps your closest friends, if you really feel like you have to confide to them. It will not benefit you at all to say anything bad about your former partner, and it certainly won’t help you if your ex starts spreading bad rumors about you in reaction to what you say about them. You will sound especially silly if you were praising your partner throughout your entire relationship and you started criticizing him/her only now, when you are no longer together, as this will make you sound less than objective, to put it mildly.

* Resist the urge to contact your ex and check if there is any chance in the world that you can get back together if your ex was the one who broke up with you. The reason a reason why he/she left you and if anyone decides to make a move in the direction off getting back together, it should be the same person who initiated the decision to not be together anymore.

* Don’t waste any time “licking your wounds.” Do not try to imagine how many things you could have done together and how great it would if you could spend the coming weekend, week, month or year with your ex. It’s not going to happen, so why even bother and allow your rich imagination go in that direction. There is no need to go through your stuff and look for gifts, pictures and other items that might remind you of your ex. Stay away from those things for a while, and when you feel better and less angry, gather all that stuff and put it in a separate box. There is no need to return them and there is no need to destroy them, as you might just enjoy having these things months or years later. After all, these things that you want to throw away now are part of your life and your history. Whether it ended badly or not, you had some great times with your partner, while the relationship lasted, and those memories will likely stay with you for much longer than any anger or sadness associated with the break-up.

* Stop telling yourself that you are never going to meet anyone like that again. The undeniable truth is that everyone is special in their own way, and even though you will not meet your ex’s twin in the future, you will likely meet quite a few more people that will move you emotionally in different but equally potent ways. Surely they are not going to make you feel exactly the same like your ex did, but they will be special in their own way.

* Don’t hate your partner for hurting your feelings. No matter what happened, the reason that your partner didn’t want to be with you any longer is not because he/she wanted to intentionally hurt you, but because of their own selfish reasons. They did not feel like you were a good match from their perspective. Whether it’s good news or bad news for you has no bearing on how they feel about it, so they don’t deserve to be hated, but they probably deserve your good faith effort to understand them.

* Don’t keep talking about your split. Sharing news about your recent break-up and how you feel about it with the closest friends once and getting their perspective and support is very important, but there is no reason for you to do it more than once and to keep analyzing and over-analyzing what happened and why you weren’t able to make your relationship work. Tell your story one time and move on. It won’t make your day or your friend’s day to keep going over the same thing, and it certainly won’t restore your relationship.

Do’s.

* Stay busy and entertained. This is a common but true advice. It’s the wrong time to be alone and feel sorry for yourself. This is the time to connect with your friends, to perhaps share your problems and then let your social circle help you forget about your break-up and make it easier for you to move on by occupying your time and mind. Of course, this should be the right circle of friends – people who are positive and supportive and who “infect” you with strength and hope, rather than despair due to their own endless relationship and other problems. Being busy is not going to make the pain go away in an instant, but it is one factor that should help distract you and take your mind off your break-up at least to some extent.

* Meet other people. Some people believe that it’s important to fully recover after the break-up before meeting new people. However, the opposite is often true. Talking to others and going out on casual dates might just be one important element of taking your mind off of your recent break-up. You are likely not going to be able to madly fall in love with someone new right away, but that’s okay. Being swept off your feet is not your goal at this point. Entertaining yourself and keeping your mind open to meeting and getting to know other people is what you will be trying to accomplish. This also doesn’t mean that you have to go on a “rebound” and have sex with random strangers or that you have to use others by misleading them into believing that you are more interested in them than you really are. You can make small steps that won’t hurt anyone but would be fun and helpful to you.

* Use your recent relationship and the break-up as a valuable lesson. Step aside and look at your recent relationship and the break-up as objectively as you can as an outsider. It’s not easy, but it’s worth the effort to try to apply logic and reason to what happened. Were there any mistakes on your part? Or perhaps you weren’t a good match in the first place, but you refused to recognize it and waiting till your partner made a move? What else could you have done or could have avoided doing that would have made your relationship work out better? These are very important questions, as your answers will directly and necessarily affect your future romantic relationships. That important lesson that you learn might be laying right in front of you, but you have to make that move and take the time to learn it carefully.

Break-ups are tough and painful, and, of course, the more special your ex was to you, the more difficult it will be getting over them. But it is your right and your duty to yourself to get the most good out of the seeming negative situation so that you become stronger, wiser and more attractive to your future partners, that will be undoubtedly coming into your life.

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Are You Letting Your Disappointments Destroy You?

How do you normally deal with your disappointments? Do you block them out of your life? Do you sleep them off and hope that you will feel better when you wake up? Do you tap into them as a source of energy for your future goals?

Avoid Dealing With Disappointments In Destructive Manners.

Many people are caught like fish out of water when they are faced with disappointment. Because they are not taught on how to deal with it, they end up adopting various destructive approaches instead.

1. Avoidance by numbing yourself with other activities.

Some people try to drown out or tune out of their disappointment by engaging in anything that takes their mind off the subject. They may take part in activities such as partying, hanging out, sleeping. They push themselves into going through the motions of daily life so they can just operate in auto-pilot mode without thinking. Some turn to addictions such as retail therapy, playing games, emotional eating, sex or even stimulants such as alcohol and drugs. These people seek solace in whatever that is within their radius, in their effort to avoid being alone with their disappointment. Rebound relationships are commonly formed for this reason, where the person tries to get over the previous relationship without having to deal with it directly.

While these give a temporal uplift in the short-run, they do not resolve the issue. Soon after, they face another situation which leads to disappointment again. Instead of properly resolving the problem, their immediate reaction is to turn to the same set of activities and actions to drown out the emotions. This eventually continues in a downward spiral.

2. Denying your goals and dreams.

In the longer term, some block out their dreams and goals in life, pretending they don’t exist. They develop dual personality halves – on the outside, they erect a wall which serves as a form of defense mechanism; on the inside, they hide their real self and desires underneath. They condition themselves into not setting any expectations, since disappointment will not occur where there are no expectations.

For example, people who have been scarred by negative relationships tend to develop barriers to love. On the outside, they appear aloof and cool; however on the inside they long to find their special someone. Because they fear getting hurt, they deny their desire for relationships and refuse to let people into their lives. At some point in the future, this denial catches up with them and it creates a backlash. Have you ever met such people before? They look like they don’t care, but you know on the inside, they really do care. As they block out their desires, they in turn make themselves more miserable in the long-run instead.

3. Giving up on your goals and dreams.

There is another group of people who give up on their goals and dreams. While they still long for their goals, these people resign to a fate where they will never reach them. They become depressed and self-depreciative, devaluing their own self worth and thinking they are not meant to achieve anything. They spend more effort everyday trying to convince themselves and people around them that they will never ever achieve their goals, as opposed to acting on them.

What Happens When You Deal With Disappointments Destructively?

If you have ever dealt with disappointments in the above manner, you are not properly dealing with them.

One of the reasons disappointment is good is because it represents passion for a cause. The higher your disappointment, it means the stronger your passion is.

Whenever you try to drown out your disappointment, deny your goals and dreams or even give up on them, you are really just rejecting who you are on the inside. You are denying your desires, your wants, your goals, your dreams, your visions, your real self – everything. These desires originated from somewhere inside of you, for a reason – and that reason is not for them to be denied. To quote Esther and Jerry Hicks from the book Ask And It Is Given, “If you have the ability to imagine it, or even to think about it, this Universe has the ability and the resources to deliver it fully unto you.”

When you try to deny your real desires, you are just hollowing yourself from inside out. You can try to pretend everything is fine and lead your everyday life, but you cannot fool your subconsciousness. Everyday, living feels like an empty act. Over time, you will find yourself sinking from a state of disappointment and dissatisfaction to a state of apathy. You start living everyday in a lifeless, zombie-like manner, with no passion or zest. You feel like you are just swiveled up on the inside; everything through your lens just seems barren and empty.

The good news is, it doesn’t have to be this way at all. You are not alone in your disappointment. Everyone has faced disappointment at some point – your friends, family, teachers, managers, co-workers, etc. I have faced disappointments as well, from all different areas of my life. It is not a phenomenon exclusive to you. As much as disappointment is an emotion triggered without your conscious undertaking, you can proactively deal with it in a conscious manner. As long as you learn how you address your disappointments properly and pick up from here, you can lead life the way it is meant to be led – in alignment with your passions and inner desires.

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Do Not Influence Or Encourage Gossips Or Rumors.

The dangers of gossip should be enough to convince anyone to avoid gossip, unfortunately, they are not. Gossip is temping and often encouraged by the behaviors of people.

Gossips welcome all new gossip and they often turn those who don’t participate in their gossip into their own victims of new gossip. Its often easier to participate than to risk becoming a victim and for many there is also an attraction (for a multitude of reason) to participate for their own reasons.

Gossip is selfish and usually malicious in that it downplays or attacks someone else (whether subtle or obvious) to make the gossips look better in comparison. This is exactly why its so destructive because it destroys so much in oneself, let alone the victims of gossip. It destroys your character and puts you into a position where you can’t be trusted.

The power that gossip gives is very temporary and usually short sided which ends up coming back negatively to the gossips.

The most common of these methods is when gossip turns around and the people involved in gossip then become victims of gossip themselves, often within the same group destroying any bonds the gossip might be falsely or temporarily created anyway.

Other consequences of gossip are getting caught, building mistrust, false relationships, spreading untrue rumors and many hurt feelings and people left in the wake of gossip.

The great thing about gossip is that it really is very easy to free yourself from it if you can chose to avoid it and learn a few techniques to help identify it, handle it and stay clear of the problems caused by it. So how is that done?

Identify Gossip :

Many times gossip is quite obvious and undisguised. It could be as simple as people asking questions about what you heard or know or thought about someone else or their actions. It could sound like the following:

  • Did you hear what Frank said to Sally?
  • You wouldn’t believe what I heard John did this weekend?
  • I heard that Gerry…
  • Did you see Lisa’s new boyfriend?

All these do not necessarily lead to negative gossip but they are obvious conversations about other people and should be very easy to identify in a conversation or start of one.

Not all gossip is as easy to recognize as this, unfortunately, and sometimes it is much more disguised. It might even happen when talking with a friend or colleague when the conversation started about simple facts or positives about someone else and shifted to negatives or problems about that person.

If you are not talking about how to help that person, support them to resolve their problems or some other positive action when discussing others, its quite likely its turning into gossip.

Basically, if you are talking about someone else, you need to really stop and think if you are doing it to help them or not. If your not, its gossip and there is no need for it.

Influencing Gossip :

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”

Since gossip is so powerful it has a great influence on others and so it must be battled through positive influence in response. There are a number of actions you can take against gossip.

Ignore it :

  • Avoid people who talk gossip and don’t give any opportunities for them to spread it.
  • Simply leave the room or conversation when gossip starts.
  • Don’t respond to questions about opinions on others or other gossip traps.
  • Ignore gossip and don’t engage in any gossip based conversations.

Prevent it :

  • Never start any of your own gossip.
  • Change the topic whenever a conversation leads to gossip.
  • Refuse to listen or respond to any gossip you are faced with.
  • Hide any hurt feelings or dramatic reaction to gossip. This fuels the gossips to continue as its often what gossips want to generate.

Confront it :

  • Politely say that you would prefer to talk about that person when they are present.
  • If you know the source of gossip, go and confront them immediately and calmly tell them you do not appreciate them talking about you and that it causes hurt feelings whether intentional or not.
  • If you hear someone start some gossip, offer to go to that victimized person with the gossiper right away to discuss it.
  • Simply respond to gossip, “Would you like to have someone share that about you without you knowing?” and walk away.
  • State I don’t like talking about other people because I don’t like them talking about me.
  • State that you don’t talk about others unless its to help them or support them.
  • State that you don’t want to talk about others negatively unless they are involved in the discussion.

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