Tag Archives: Letters

6 Phrases That Will Help You Get Over A Breakup

Part of me can hardly remember the pain and agony that I suffered during my worst breakup. It’s only now that my best friend and I can finally giggle about our outrageous grieving mechanisms and the torture we put ourselves through for boys that didn’t deserve it.

The other part of me remembers every excruciating detail of feeling lonely and crying myself to sleep. And of course that awful fatalistic feeling that it was always going to be like this… forever.

I wrote a guide on “how to want to get over a breakup” about a year ago, and I was overwhelmed by the emails and comments I got from many of my readers who empathized with me. So many of you have personally written to me and shared with me your own stories of heartache and pain. I have been absolutely touched and thankful to you all.

As I read through your letters, I recognize that there is still so much pain and regret that overcomes us during a breakup – and we mistakenly try to rush the healing process. But keep in mind that there is no time limit. And the amount of time it takes to get back to feeling normal varies from person to person – yes, you are a special little butterfly.

And while, I do hope that my breakup survival tips are helping, I also want to share with you a few more insights that may help keep you sane throughout your recovery.

If you are ever going through a breakup, a rough time, or just need a pick me up, these are 6 phrases you must tell yourself on repeat:

1. “I love myself” – Cheese ball. I know. But it works, especially if you believe it. According to me, self-love is important, “because ultimately we are the ones responsible for our actions, choices, and the outcome of those actions and choices. We cannot give to someone else what we don’t have, and likewise we cannot get from someone else what he or she doesn’t have.” If you love yourself, you will be the master of your feelings, not some idiot that broke your heart through a text message.

2. “I want to be happy” – Seriously, do you? This seems like a dumb question – of course, I want to be happy, who doesn’t? The problem is, a lot of the time, I actually don’t. I let small things frustrate me. I have an extremely short temper, and I get mad at the most trivial matters. Why? It’s because I forget (or maybe don’t want) to be happy in that moment. Maybe I want to be angry or upset, so I have to remind myself that I want to be happy, and then I will force a fake smile, until it turns into a real one. It even turns out that a fake smile is better than no smile. Researchers at the University of Kansas recently discovered that holding your mouth in a smiling position could help lower a person’s heart rate after stressful situations.

3. “I always hated his dumb hair cut” – Remember that annoying thing about him that always bothered you, but you never admitted it to yourself, because you were madly in love? Well, it’s time to spill all the dirt. Take off your love goggles and tell yourself what you really saw in him. Even if it’s something as tiny as – I hated his toe nails – embrace it. Doing so will help you realize that your ex wasn’t as fabulous or perfect as they seemed and it will help you heal faster. In fact, a study in Cognition and Emotions found that those who “indicated strong negative feelings about their ex in the immediate aftermath of the breakup were less likely to be depressed.”

4. “I am better off without him or her, because…” – Quick! Finish the sentence. For me, it was: I am better off without him because now I can finally eat blueberries! At the time, my ex had a terrible allergy to the fruit (which just happened to be one of my favorites). He wouldn’t kiss me or come near me if I had eaten anything strawberry flavored, so eventually, I stopped eating them too. The first thing I did after our breakup was devour a pint of blueberries. Obviously, my heart still hurt, but I let myself enjoy something that I hadn’t been able to do when we were together. And while that was something little, it kind of felt pretty good. And during a breakup, that’s the one feeling you should be constantly striving for.

5. “It has been x days since we broke up, and I feel…” Here’s another fill in the blank for you. You can say whatever you like – just be truthful. If you’d rather write it down in a journal, that’s okay too. The reason I like this phrase is that it keeps you present in the current moment and lets you feel whatever it is you need to feel. Eventually, one day will turn into 30 days, and you will notice a difference. You may still be sad and heartbroken, but the degree to which you feel it will change and you will be able to recognize your progress. Life Coach Patrick Schriel writes: “I use my feelings, my intuition, as a guiding system. If something doesn’t feel right to me I won’t do it. If the feeling is right, I will.” He says feelings are often truer than thoughts or beliefs and can often lead to “real moments of insight and can be the beginning of change.”

6. “I will find someone better” – These words may be the most difficult to utter, especially if you believed that your ex was “the one” or your soul mate. Trust me, we’ve all been there. And because this phrase is so hard to say, it is, in fact, the most crucial. Let me tell you something that you may not want to hear: You will meet someone better – it is inevitable. You will meet someone else who will treat you well, be kind to you, love you, and most important of all, not break your heart.

Image

How To Cope With Depression After A Break Up?

Break-ups can be devastating. It’s a rough transition from sharing every part of your life with someone, to picking up the phone and suddenly remembering you shouldn’t call them. The depression that comes after a break-up can feel so heavy and difficult that no one else can possibly understand what you are going through. But there are ways to cope with this feeling that don’t involve crying into a carton of ice cream. Here is a guide to coping with the depression after a break up.

1. Know this will take time. Especially if the relationship was long-term, this will be a difficult and probably a long process. Expect that, and give yourself as much time as you need to heal/recover.

2. Understand the emotions that you are feeling are normal and embrace them. Don’t beat yourself up – your feelings or anger/frustration and sadness are natural and normal.

Cry if you need to. Go ahead and cry, use a whole box of Kleenex and feel miserable for a while. It’s okay. You’re entitled. But eventually, you do need to pick yourself back up and move on. Life will go on, and believe it or not, so will you!

3. Hide everything that it is too difficult to see right now. Take everything that reminds you of your ex (pictures, letters, keepsakes) and put it all in a box. Then put the box someplace far away like high up in your closet. Don’t throw it away – you may regret it later. Just keep it stored someplace safe, but don’t keep re-reading and looking at it all right now and make yourself miserable. Just put it away for now and give yourself a break.

4. Try to keep a regular schedule as best as you can. It’s going to be hard at first, but you may have to force yourself to eat regular meals and sleep regularly. This too will take time, so be patient with yourself.

5. Try to get your mind off of it. Go out and do something you enjoy, like a hobby you have always loved, whether it’s biking or karate or drawing, playing guitar, etc. Make sure you are focusing on the activity and the joy that it brings you, thereby distracting yourself.

6. Enjoy spending time with the people who are still in your life. Spend lots of time with your friends and family during this time. They will be your support system as you deal with the aftermath of the break-up. Did you see some of these people much during the relationship? If the relationship was intense and long-term, chances are you have not seen some of your friends or maybe even family for months. Take time to spend quality time with them and do something fun.

Make sure your friends and family know what happened, and ask them to be a support system for you, to help you through this difficult time.

7. Accept the end of the relationship. Remember that the relationship happened for a reason, and nothing is ever wasted in life. Perhaps you learned a valuable lesson that you will be able to take with you into your next relationship and eventual marriage. Or perhaps you are only broken up for a short time and the relationship will be restored. Either way though, you must move on with your life.

Tips :

1. Don’t call/text the other person – give them space! In that time, he/she may realize what they are missing and want to get back together. Either way, you don’t want to look desperate by constantly calling/texting. That will only drive them further away.

2. Expect that the other person may call/text you and want to get back together, perhaps out of loneliness, but ask yourself if this is really what you want, or if you are ready to experience a healthier or better relationship.

3. No matter what you think right now, you will find someone new – there are so many people out there, and who knows if your Mr. or Ms. Right is just waiting to be found. It doesn’t seem like it now, but there are many others out there whom you would be compatible with. Someday you will meet someone else who is exciting/fun/wonderful, and believe it or not – your memories of your ex will soon fade.

4. Expect that it will take you a long time before you are ready to date again. Don’t jump into a relationship with the first cute guy/girl you meet, or you’ll be rebounding – and that’s not healthy for you or the new person. Give yourself time to heal and process what happened in a healthy way.

5. Just because you are experiencing a break-up does not mean that you are a terrible person or that you did anything wrong (or that the other person is bad, either). You are just not right for each other.

6. Given enough time, consider that you can still be on friendly terms / be friends with your ex. However, this may take months or even years, and will probably only occur after both of you have really moved on.

7. Getting a food you like (ice cream, cookies, etc) sometimes helps (especially for the ladies) – just don’t overdo it and gain a lot of weight – it’s not worth it!

Image