Tag Archives: Patience

Happy Women’s Day!

The willingness to listen, the patience to understand, the strength to support, the heart to care & just to be there. That is the beauty of a woman. Happy Women’s Day!

Happy Women's Day

Advertisements

Men And Women After Trauma: Coping With Differences

• Do men and women react differently after trauma? Yes.

• Does it mean one suffers more than the other? No.

• Do the differences confuse and often create tension for couples? Too often.

The Differences

What we find across cultures is that in the face of traumatic loss, women need to speak about what has happened and men need to do something about what has happened. In one scene from the devastation of the Tsunami in Sri Lanka in 2005, the women gathered, crying for their lost children while the men rebuilt the homes.

In their 2006 review of 25 years of research on sex differences in trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder in the Psychological Bulletin, David Tolin, and Edna Foa reported that although men have a higher risk for traumatic events, women suffer from higher rates of post-traumatic stress disorder. In their analysis, they suggest that the different rates of PTSD may actually be a function of the fact that men and women manifest their emotional pain in different ways.

In the aftermath of a traumatic event, women are more likely to have feelings of anxiety and depression, while men are more likely to express distress and depression in terms of irritability, anger and increased alcohol consumption.

Couple Response

Caught in the physical and emotional pain from a traumatic loss or event, couples often have very little patience for differences. It is hard for them to believe that their partner could feel different. It is even more difficult to believe that their partner could feel the same and react so differently.

When she suffered a miscarriage in the beginning of her fifth month, Claire was devastated. Then in her late 30’s, she was worried that this might have been her only chance to have a child. Even when she regained her strength, she was often unable to concentrate or sleep. She would ruminate and blame herself for waiting until her career was set before starting a family.

Claire was further upset by her husband John’s reaction. He was upset by the loss, but he seemed confident that there would be other chances. Claire wondered why he wasn’t blaming himself for their decision to wait to have kids. When she questioned him about this, he felt judged and blamed her for making it worse. They would end up fighting.

According to Dr. John Gray of Mars and Venus Starting Over, in the aftermath of the loss, both men and women need time to grieve. As such, it is often more common for women to blame themselves and for men to blame others.

Differences Don’t Equate to Lack of Love

If you find yourself struggling with your partner in the aftermath of a traumatic event, it does not mean that you don’t have a good relationship, or that you were never truly in love.

• Traumatic events are beyond what we ever expect. No one is prepared to respond.

• Differences in response don’t mean that as a couple you won’t cope or can’t heal.

If you take your time and give yourself and your partner a chance to grieve, cope and regulate stress in your own way and different ways, you will be able to use your relationship as an asset for coping.

• She joins a bereavement group at the church.

• He increases his workout schedule.

• She doesn’t want to socialize on the weekends, but he needs to get out—they settle on a movie date together.

Couple Considerations for Coping

• Everyone deals with trauma in their own way and in their own time – there is no right way.

• When in doubt don’t assume the worst about your partner – assume you don’t know.

• Interest and acceptance of your partner’s reactions invite sharing and empathy, which enhance healing.

• Being physically next to someone you love is a natural buffer for stress and emotional pain.

• Talking about the pain at times for her, valuing the shared silence for him—reflects the resilience of connection.

Sometimes the best-traveling companion in life is someone who sees and reacts to things in a way you would never have considered.

Image

11 Ways to Make Someone Smile and Brighten Their Whole Day.

Has a stranger ever done something that made your whole day look brighter? Perhaps they opened the door at the bank for you or let you go ahead of them in the queue? Remember how good it made you feel?

Making someone smile and brightening their day is one of the most generous things you can do. It has a ripple effect that touches the whole community; if you are nice to someone it is likely they will be nice to someone as well.

So we know that making someone smile can change the whole community. But what else can it do? Why else should we bother trying to make people smile? Well there are a lot of reasons actually.

– Firstly, it makes you feel good about yourself. When you make someone happy you really feel like you have done something good. So making other people happy makes you happier.

– Secondly, it is healthy. If you smile at someone and make them smile you are actively causing chemicals to be released in to your body that battle stress and cause feelings of joy. This is good. Making other people smile benefits both yourself and others.

It’s all about putting them before you. When you engage in this type or practice (and it is a practice) you also develop positive qualities in your mind like patience and kindness. But the main quality that you will develop is generosity. If you go out everyday and try to make the people around you smile you will develop the inner qualities of a very generous person. This is one of the most respectable and admirable qualities a person can posses.

When you smile at someone or brighten their day you give something of yourself. You are putting aside your own selfish needs and wants for a moment to make someone else feel good.

And this is extremely generous.

Here are some simple and easy ways to make the people around you smile or brighten their day. They are small acts that have big effects.

1. Smile first.
The easiest and possibly the most effective way to get someone to smile is to smile at them first. If you smile at someone first they will almost always smile back and walk away feeling happier.

2. Be chivalrous. 
Chivalry is a term dating back to the medieval knights and their values of honor, courtesy and good manners. It is a very simple practice where you endeavor to behave in a kind and courteous way to the people around you and especially to members of the opposite sex. A typical example would be holding the door open for someone or standing up to greet someone when they meet you for lunch. Again, it is easy to do but makes people feel really good.

3. Be self deprecating.
Self deprecation is one of the best ways to make friends and make people smile. People love it when someone makes self deprecating jokes because it makes them seem less arrogant and more approachable. The best comedians are those who use this style of self deprecation to interact with the audience.

But remember, this is supposed to make people smile, not make them feel sorry for you. It is about being able to make fun of yourself and take yourself a little less seriously. For example, if you slip over at a restaurant and make a big mess you might make a quick joke like “…it was like that when I got here…” instead of getting all angry and serious and trying to blame someone or something around you. People hate that.

4. Listen.
When someone is talking to you listen to them. Don’t just sit there waiting for your turn to talk. Actually listen. This is one of the best ways to make people feel good about themselves.

The classic book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” talks about how important it is to be genuinely interested in people if you want them to like you. The reason this makes people like you is because it makes them feel good about themselves. The book talks about how people perceive someone as interesting if they sit there and listen to you talk.

5. Surprise someone.
Have you ever brought flowers home for your wife or girlfriend because it was a Wednesday? Not Valentine’s Day that fell on a Wednesday, just because it was Wednesday? Surprising someone for no particular reason other than to make the person smile is a fantastic way to brighten someone’s day.

6. Take on some work.
Quite often the reason someone is angry is because of their work. It might be a deadline at the office or it might be the pile of dirty clothes in the laundry. And quite often you can reverse that person’s mood and make them smile by taking on some of their work.

If you have a few spare minutes at the office you might want to volunteer to run some errands for a person who is struggling. Or you might want to do the dishes even though it is not your turn. A little extra work can often really brighten someone’s day.

7. Be humble.
I am always shocked at how much a truly humble person can improve my day. Their inner warmth seems to radiate outwards and makes you feel protected and comfortable. Humility is truly a great quality. Let me give you an example:

The other day I went to the shop to buy a coffee and the man serving me was extremely humble. He asked about my day, thanked me for my business and took my money with two hands. I was dressed up in my pretty and costly clothes and was walking around feeling pretty good about myself. Then I met this humble man and was brought back down to Earth. He was quite old and had obviously had a hard day’s work. But he treated me with respect, as I imagine he does with all his valued customers.

The man’s humility really touched me and reminded me that clothes and big business doesn’t mean anything if you don’t treat people with love and respect. When you are humble you are more likely to treat people well and this makes them smile.

8. Make eye contact.
Looking people in the eyes is a good habit to develop. It shows trust and demonstrates that you are truly trying to engage the person. When you show someone that you are trustworthy you make them feel good. This is particularly true of business related meetings. People want to know that they are dealing with a trustworthy person and as such looking someone in the eyes will improve their day.

9. Offer a random compliment.
This seems like a pretty obvious thing to do but it actually takes a lot more guts than people think. Compliments are a sure-fire way to make someone smile but quite often they are hard to deliver. It takes bravery.

For example, you might see a beautiful woman who looks sad and depressed. A simple, “your hair looks amazing” would go a long way but it is a pretty daunting thing to do. My advice is to just let it rip without thinking about it too much. If your intentions are to cheer her up then she will usually be receptive.

10. Ask people their name.
My father taught me this trick for business relationships and it is also mentioned in the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. People love hearing their name. They love knowing that someone cares enough to remember it. And you can take this theory one step further by actually asking the person what their name is. It is a very powerful tool for cheering people up and making new friends.

11. Shake hands, hug or physically interact.
The final thing I am going to offer is one of the most powerful. It is physical interaction. This is a truly wonderful way to cheer someone up and brighten their day.

Humans are sensual creatures. Their lives are dictated by smells, sights, tastes and sounds. But of all of these senses it seems that the most powerful way to interact with another human is by touch. A shake of the hand or a hug is a big thing because it forces both people to be open to anything. Hugging and touching goes against a lot of our basic survival instincts and that is why, when it is done properly, it is so wonderful.

If you really want to make someone smile give them a hug when you say hello. If you don’t want to hug strangers (I don’t recommend hugging strangers by the way) then shake their hands when you meet them.

Image