Tag Archives: Selfish

Choosing Your Friends Wisely

Take a moment and think of those people.

Who are they? How close are you to them? What do they do with their lives personally and professionally? Are they ambitious, successful, happy, optimistic, and enthusiastic? What are their core beliefs about work, money, life, family, health, spirituality, and their body?

Most of us have had the same friends, or group of friends for a long time. Perhaps, we’ve known them since birth or were childhood friends. Or perhaps you have made new friends as adults, but they have become your community or new family.

The reality is that we are a direct representation of those who surround us. It’s inevitable that whoever we surround ourselves with, we eventually become like. For some, this is fantastic because you have surrounded yourself with authentic people who push and encourage you. For others, its detrimental to their growth.

Most of us surround ourselves with toxic people. Now I’m not talking about people who are malicious, rude, mean or hateful (although perhaps). I am defining toxic as people who are unmotivated, uninspired, zap your energy or discourage you, encourage you to stay stagnant, hold limiting, fear-based beliefs, or simply don’t ever push themselves to become their best self.

If you are on a path of growth, change and ultimate healing of your body, mind or soul – you ‘have’ to look at your friendships. This is one of the hardest things you will ever be faced with doing. I know that none of us like to rock the boat, and no one wants to appear better than someone else. But this is a MUST!

If you don’t rid yourself of unhealthy friendship, you cannot live as your best self. You will be stunted in your growth, and ultimately participate in self-sabotage.

People have a hard time with this lesson, and be in relationships all their life that does not serve their highest good. They serve them, and have some heart breaking, and devastating experience with this that results in a period of deep loneliness and grief, which is never healthier in life! Change is rapid and growth is abundant.

Choosing Your Friends Wisely:

  • Make a list of people that you need to reduce time with in your list of 5 people. Have the conversation if you need to, or slowly create some healthy distance. This takes time and emotional processing.
  • Make a new list of people that you want to be friends with. Don’t know anyone yet? List out what the attributes of the person would be. Are there people you know, but have never met? Write down the names of those people.
  • Find Your People. Seek out groups, clubs, activities where those people would hang out. Attend conferences those people would attend. Read the blogs your friends would read. Project and it will come.
  • Date New Friends. When you’ve lost a support network, you may feel desperate for friends. Date new potential friends. Find out from the beginning if they are takers, drainers or destroyers. Ask the right questions from the beginning and see what motivates them.
  • Cultivate Authenticity from the Beginning. In order for you to not slip back into your old patterns, you have to be authentic from the get go. Share your real self from the beginning. Share your path of growth and change; share your excitement and passion. Don’t edit, be YOU.
  • Be Open. Your new friends may not look, dress or talk like your old friends. Be open to finding your soul sisters and brothers in new places and faces.

Change is necessary for growth. Don’t shy away from this. You are not a mean, selfish person if you need to lose or ‘dump’ some friends. Remember that those people have been great for the time you have spent with them, but they are no longer resonating with the truth in your heart and certainly not helping you shine bright.

It’s time for you to shine bright! Surround yourself with people that inspire you! Your environment impacts every decision you make. Choose those friends who leave you feeling alive, grateful and inspired.

You deserve to be with people and in environments that support your BEST self!

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Why Being Alone Is Essential: 6 Ways To Enjoy Being Alone

“Not knowing how to feed the spirit, we try to muffle its demands in distraction… What matters is that one be for a time inwardly attentive.” – Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea.

As a woman, you were probably taught or conditioned to put other people’s needs before your own. If you think that it’s selfish to put yourself before others, you may find yourself focusing a lot on others, filling up your time with busy work, and spending time with friends and family because you don’t want to be alone.

Many women who are so focused on others don’t get to know who they truly are. They don’t tend to look at and know how to address their own issues. And when it comes to love, they tend to attract men who aren’t right for them – men who don’t treat them with love, kindness and respect.

6 Reasons Why It’s Important To Be Alone :

“I find there is a quality to being alone that is incredibly precious. Life rushes back into the void, richer, more vivid, fuller than before.” – Anne Morrow Lindbergh.

Being alone can seem scary because when there’s no one to distract you, you’re left with fears, insecurities and unsupportive thoughts. If this is how you view being alone, here is another perspective to consider. Being alone is liberating. It’s the place where you can understand your fears and insecurities and how they’ve been running your love life. Being alone lets you hear how your thoughts have been affecting your love life. It is where your answers to love reside.
Here’s why it’s so important to be alone.

  1. Instead of becoming frustrated and resentful towards the person(s) you been focusing your time, attention and efforts, they get to live their own lives the way they’re meant to and learn their own lessons. And you get to do the same for yourself.
  2. Instead of neglecting your own issues, you get to address them and change your life for the better.
  3. Instead of losing yourself in your partner, you get to discover who you are and contribute your wonderful self to the relationship.
  4. Instead of having your identity wrapped up in someone else, you get to be independent from someone else and function on your own.
  5. Instead of living a routine life, you get to expand your comfort zone and discover things about yourself that you never realized.
  6. Instead of leading a life of obligation or setting for less than you deserve, you get to live the life you’re meant to and enjoy the rest of the days of your life.

6 Ways To Be Alone :

“Women need solitude in order to find again the true essence of themselves.” – Anne Morrow Lindbergh.

Are you feeling stressed out about life and love because you’re doing too much for others or you don’t know how to enjoy being alone? If so, put these 6 practices into your life to feel better about yourself and have a healthier love life.

1. Participate in creative activities.

Discover and do at least one creative activity on your own. For instance, if you like to write, draw or paint, start doing these things.

2. Reflect on your inner self.

Reflect and ponder on questions like, “What are my beliefs? Why do I feel that way about these beliefs?” “Who would I be without my possessions?” “Where would I love to travel and why?” “What inspires me?”

3. Learn something new.

If you’ve always wanted to learn Pilates, how to cook, speak Italian, or play the piano, take classes and learn something new.

4. Take yourself out on a date.

Go on a date by yourself to a museum you love, movie you want to see, restaurant you’ve always wanted to eat at or a place you’ve always wanted to go to.

5. Spend time outside.

Walk in nature, go on a hike, enjoy the sound of the ocean, the sand between your toes, the smell of the fresh air in the mountains, etc.

6. Have a weekend alone.

Turn off your electronic and communication devices (i.e. TV, computer, tablet, cell phone). Music is optional. Catch up on reading your favorite books and magazines.

“Woman must come of age by herself. She must find her true center alone.” – Anne Morrow Lindbergh.

It is actually thoughtful, not selfish, to put yourself before others because in doing so, you become the best version of you. When you are at your best, you are able to give your best to others. Everyone around you benefits from you putting yourself first.

Remember, when you are alone with no distractions from getting to know your true self, you get to learn, appreciate and love yourself. The more you know how to be alone and enjoy your alone time, your beautiful essence will draw towards you, men who are loving, kind and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

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How To Make Your Break Up Easier?

What distinguishes strong, attractive, accomplished people in any area of life from the rest? One of these things is their ability to accept losses with grace and dignity. Dating and romantic relationships are not an exception to this rule. It’s easy to enjoy love when it’s reciprocated and everything is great in your relationship with whoever you are dating, but too many people act in not so honorable ways to their partners and to themselves when things get rough in that relationship. It is of course understandable how someone who has problems with or loses a person who they love, care and had long-term plans to be with would be angry and frustrated after their lover unexpectedly leaves them or even worse – leaves them for someone else, but it is very important to your emotional health and to your proper recovery after the break-up to not make certain mistakes motivated by that anger. It might sound counter-intuitive to you now, but the sooner you learn how to forgive or at least how to rise above the break-up and any associated drama that better you will feel about yourself and about the whole thing. Here is a short but important list of do’s and don’t’s for that difficult time in your life, shortly after you broke up with someone you really care about:

Dont’s.

* Don’t disparage your ex to your friends or co-workers or her friends or co-workers. Don’t blame him/her for the break up and don’t get into the details of why things didn’t work out when you talk about your relationship with anyone except perhaps your closest friends, if you really feel like you have to confide to them. It will not benefit you at all to say anything bad about your former partner, and it certainly won’t help you if your ex starts spreading bad rumors about you in reaction to what you say about them. You will sound especially silly if you were praising your partner throughout your entire relationship and you started criticizing him/her only now, when you are no longer together, as this will make you sound less than objective, to put it mildly.

* Resist the urge to contact your ex and check if there is any chance in the world that you can get back together if your ex was the one who broke up with you. The reason a reason why he/she left you and if anyone decides to make a move in the direction off getting back together, it should be the same person who initiated the decision to not be together anymore.

* Don’t waste any time “licking your wounds.” Do not try to imagine how many things you could have done together and how great it would if you could spend the coming weekend, week, month or year with your ex. It’s not going to happen, so why even bother and allow your rich imagination go in that direction. There is no need to go through your stuff and look for gifts, pictures and other items that might remind you of your ex. Stay away from those things for a while, and when you feel better and less angry, gather all that stuff and put it in a separate box. There is no need to return them and there is no need to destroy them, as you might just enjoy having these things months or years later. After all, these things that you want to throw away now are part of your life and your history. Whether it ended badly or not, you had some great times with your partner, while the relationship lasted, and those memories will likely stay with you for much longer than any anger or sadness associated with the break-up.

* Stop telling yourself that you are never going to meet anyone like that again. The undeniable truth is that everyone is special in their own way, and even though you will not meet your ex’s twin in the future, you will likely meet quite a few more people that will move you emotionally in different but equally potent ways. Surely they are not going to make you feel exactly the same like your ex did, but they will be special in their own way.

* Don’t hate your partner for hurting your feelings. No matter what happened, the reason that your partner didn’t want to be with you any longer is not because he/she wanted to intentionally hurt you, but because of their own selfish reasons. They did not feel like you were a good match from their perspective. Whether it’s good news or bad news for you has no bearing on how they feel about it, so they don’t deserve to be hated, but they probably deserve your good faith effort to understand them.

* Don’t keep talking about your split. Sharing news about your recent break-up and how you feel about it with the closest friends once and getting their perspective and support is very important, but there is no reason for you to do it more than once and to keep analyzing and over-analyzing what happened and why you weren’t able to make your relationship work. Tell your story one time and move on. It won’t make your day or your friend’s day to keep going over the same thing, and it certainly won’t restore your relationship.

Do’s.

* Stay busy and entertained. This is a common but true advice. It’s the wrong time to be alone and feel sorry for yourself. This is the time to connect with your friends, to perhaps share your problems and then let your social circle help you forget about your break-up and make it easier for you to move on by occupying your time and mind. Of course, this should be the right circle of friends – people who are positive and supportive and who “infect” you with strength and hope, rather than despair due to their own endless relationship and other problems. Being busy is not going to make the pain go away in an instant, but it is one factor that should help distract you and take your mind off your break-up at least to some extent.

* Meet other people. Some people believe that it’s important to fully recover after the break-up before meeting new people. However, the opposite is often true. Talking to others and going out on casual dates might just be one important element of taking your mind off of your recent break-up. You are likely not going to be able to madly fall in love with someone new right away, but that’s okay. Being swept off your feet is not your goal at this point. Entertaining yourself and keeping your mind open to meeting and getting to know other people is what you will be trying to accomplish. This also doesn’t mean that you have to go on a “rebound” and have sex with random strangers or that you have to use others by misleading them into believing that you are more interested in them than you really are. You can make small steps that won’t hurt anyone but would be fun and helpful to you.

* Use your recent relationship and the break-up as a valuable lesson. Step aside and look at your recent relationship and the break-up as objectively as you can as an outsider. It’s not easy, but it’s worth the effort to try to apply logic and reason to what happened. Were there any mistakes on your part? Or perhaps you weren’t a good match in the first place, but you refused to recognize it and waiting till your partner made a move? What else could you have done or could have avoided doing that would have made your relationship work out better? These are very important questions, as your answers will directly and necessarily affect your future romantic relationships. That important lesson that you learn might be laying right in front of you, but you have to make that move and take the time to learn it carefully.

Break-ups are tough and painful, and, of course, the more special your ex was to you, the more difficult it will be getting over them. But it is your right and your duty to yourself to get the most good out of the seeming negative situation so that you become stronger, wiser and more attractive to your future partners, that will be undoubtedly coming into your life.

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How To Deal With A Selfish Spouse?

1. Share Your Feelings.

If your spouse is acting selfish, it means he/she is unconsciously hinting at something. Try to talk with them to find out if there is actually something bothering them. You both have to respect each others feeling and decisions.

2. Ignore Your Spouse.

If that does not help and your spouse continues to act like a child then ignore your spouse for a while. Your spouse will realize that this tactic is not working and give up.

3. Divide Parenting Responsibilities.

You both are responsible for household and parenting works, so divide your responsibilities and do not accept any excuse from your spouse on why he/she cant able to complete their task.

4. Motivate Your Spouse.

You can encourage your spouse to do social service or charity work. You could take up the initiative and involve them.

5. Take Professional Help.

If you feel that you can’t cope with your spouse’s behavior then take the help of professionals. Marriage and family therapists can teach you the skills that will help you deal with your spouse’s behavior.

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21 Tips To Stop Being A People – Pleaser.

People-pleasers want everyone around them to be happy and they will do whatever is asked of them to keep it that way. They put everyone else before themselves. For some, saying “yes” is a habit; for others, it’s almost an addiction that makes them feel like they need to be needed. This makes them feel important and like they’re contributing to someone else’s life. People-pleasers yearn for outside validation. Their personal feeling of security and self-confidence is based on getting the approval of others. Thus, at the core, people-pleasers lack confidence.

They worry how others will view them when they say no. People don’t want to be seen as lazy, uncaring, selfish or totally egocentric. They fear “they’ll be disliked and cut from the group,” whether it’s friends, family or co-workers.

What many people-pleasers don’t realize is that people-pleasing can have serious risks. Not only does it put a lot of pressure and stress on you, but essentially you can make yourself sick from doing too much. If you’re over-committed, you probably get less sleep and get more anxious and upset. You’re also depleting your energy resources. In the worst case scenario, you’ll wake up and find yourself depressed, because you’re on such overload because you possibly can’t do it all.

Here’s a slew of strategies to help you stop being a people-pleaser and finally say no.

1. Realize you have a choice.

People-pleasers often feel like they have to say yes when someone asks for their help. Remember that you always have a choice to say no.

2. Set your priorities.

Knowing your priorities and values helps you put the brakes on people-pleasing. You know when you feel comfortable saying no or saying yes.

3. Stall.

Whenever someone asks you for a favor, it’s perfectly OK to say that you’ll need to think about it. This gives you the opportunity to consider if you can commit to helping them. If the person needs an answer right away, your automatic answer can be no.

4. Set a time limit.

If you do agree to help out, limit your time frame.

5. Consider if you’re being manipulated.

Sometimes, people are clearly taking advantage of you, so it’s important to watch out for manipulators and flatterers.

6. Use an empathetic assertion.

Using an empathetic assertion means that you put yourself in the other person’s shoes as you assert yourself. So you let the person know that you understand where they’re coming from, but unfortunately, you can’t help. People need to feel heard and understood and this is a respectful way of asserting yourself and saying no.

7. Don’t give a litany of excuses.

It’s tempting to want to defend your decision to say no to someone so they understand your reasoning. But this actually backfires.

8. Don’t apologize — if it’s not your fault.

People-pleasers tend to be serial apologists. Pay attention to when you’re apologizing and consider if you’re really at fault. Ask yourself if you’re responsible for the situation. Usually, the answer is no.

9. Set clear boundaries — and follow through.

Ask yourself what you’re willing to do, and don’t go beyond these limits. Also, be clear in communicating your boundaries. Say what you’re thinking and what you want. Letting someone step over your boundaries without voicing your frustrations can lead you to bottle up this negative feeling about a person to the point when you have a blowup and really hurt someone’s feelings or end the relationship.

10. Don’t be scared of the fallout.

The fallout is never as bad as we think it is. In fact, it’s usually very insignificant.

11. Self-soothe.

Using positive self-talk is “like being a good mother to yourself”. You can use this to remind yourself of your priorities and boundaries.

12. Realize that you can’t be everything to everyone.

Again, people-pleasers want to make everyone happy. While you might make someone happy temporarily, it doesn’t work long term. And you can get hurt in the process. People who preserve their time and energy and don’t say yes to everyone also realize that they can’t make other people happy. People-pleasers must realize that the only thoughts and feelings they can change are their own.

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Do Not Influence Or Encourage Gossips Or Rumors.

The dangers of gossip should be enough to convince anyone to avoid gossip, unfortunately, they are not. Gossip is temping and often encouraged by the behaviors of people.

Gossips welcome all new gossip and they often turn those who don’t participate in their gossip into their own victims of new gossip. Its often easier to participate than to risk becoming a victim and for many there is also an attraction (for a multitude of reason) to participate for their own reasons.

Gossip is selfish and usually malicious in that it downplays or attacks someone else (whether subtle or obvious) to make the gossips look better in comparison. This is exactly why its so destructive because it destroys so much in oneself, let alone the victims of gossip. It destroys your character and puts you into a position where you can’t be trusted.

The power that gossip gives is very temporary and usually short sided which ends up coming back negatively to the gossips.

The most common of these methods is when gossip turns around and the people involved in gossip then become victims of gossip themselves, often within the same group destroying any bonds the gossip might be falsely or temporarily created anyway.

Other consequences of gossip are getting caught, building mistrust, false relationships, spreading untrue rumors and many hurt feelings and people left in the wake of gossip.

The great thing about gossip is that it really is very easy to free yourself from it if you can chose to avoid it and learn a few techniques to help identify it, handle it and stay clear of the problems caused by it. So how is that done?

Identify Gossip :

Many times gossip is quite obvious and undisguised. It could be as simple as people asking questions about what you heard or know or thought about someone else or their actions. It could sound like the following:

  • Did you hear what Frank said to Sally?
  • You wouldn’t believe what I heard John did this weekend?
  • I heard that Gerry…
  • Did you see Lisa’s new boyfriend?

All these do not necessarily lead to negative gossip but they are obvious conversations about other people and should be very easy to identify in a conversation or start of one.

Not all gossip is as easy to recognize as this, unfortunately, and sometimes it is much more disguised. It might even happen when talking with a friend or colleague when the conversation started about simple facts or positives about someone else and shifted to negatives or problems about that person.

If you are not talking about how to help that person, support them to resolve their problems or some other positive action when discussing others, its quite likely its turning into gossip.

Basically, if you are talking about someone else, you need to really stop and think if you are doing it to help them or not. If your not, its gossip and there is no need for it.

Influencing Gossip :

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”

Since gossip is so powerful it has a great influence on others and so it must be battled through positive influence in response. There are a number of actions you can take against gossip.

Ignore it :

  • Avoid people who talk gossip and don’t give any opportunities for them to spread it.
  • Simply leave the room or conversation when gossip starts.
  • Don’t respond to questions about opinions on others or other gossip traps.
  • Ignore gossip and don’t engage in any gossip based conversations.

Prevent it :

  • Never start any of your own gossip.
  • Change the topic whenever a conversation leads to gossip.
  • Refuse to listen or respond to any gossip you are faced with.
  • Hide any hurt feelings or dramatic reaction to gossip. This fuels the gossips to continue as its often what gossips want to generate.

Confront it :

  • Politely say that you would prefer to talk about that person when they are present.
  • If you know the source of gossip, go and confront them immediately and calmly tell them you do not appreciate them talking about you and that it causes hurt feelings whether intentional or not.
  • If you hear someone start some gossip, offer to go to that victimized person with the gossiper right away to discuss it.
  • Simply respond to gossip, “Would you like to have someone share that about you without you knowing?” and walk away.
  • State I don’t like talking about other people because I don’t like them talking about me.
  • State that you don’t talk about others unless its to help them or support them.
  • State that you don’t want to talk about others negatively unless they are involved in the discussion.

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