Tag Archives: Victim

Forgiveness: Letting Go Of Grudges And Bitterness

When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward.

Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of another. Perhaps your mother criticized your parenting skills, your colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness or even vengeance — but if you don’t practice forgiveness, you might be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

What is forgiveness?

Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you deny the other person’s responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn’t minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

What are the benefits of forgiving someone?

Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for compassion, kindness and peace. Forgiveness can lead to:

• Healthier relationships
• Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
• Less anxiety, stress, and hostility
• Lower blood pressure
• Fewer symptoms of depression
• Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse

Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?

When you’re hurt by someone you love and trust, you might become angry, sad or confused. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility can take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.

What are the effects of holding a grudge?

If you’re unforgiving, you might pay the price repeatedly by bringing anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. Your life might become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can’t enjoy the present. You might become depressed or anxious. You might feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you’re at odds with your spiritual beliefs. You might lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others.

How do I reach a state of forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. To begin, you might:

• Consider the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life at a given time
• Reflect on the facts of the situation, how you’ve reacted, and how this combination has affected your life, health and well-being
• When you’re ready, actively choose to forgive the person who’s offended you
• Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life

As you let go of grudges, you’ll no longer define your life by how you’ve been hurt. You might even find compassion and understanding.

What if I have to interact with the person who hurt me but I don’t want to?

If you haven’t reached a state of forgiveness, being near the person who hurts you might be tense and stressful. To handle these situations, remember that you can choose to attend or avoid specific functions and gatherings. Respect yourself and do what seems best. If you choose to attend, don’t be surprised by a certain amount of awkwardness and perhaps even more intense feelings. Do your best to keep an open heart and mind. You might find that the experience helps you to move forward with forgiveness.

What if the person I’m forgiving doesn’t change?

Getting another person to change his or her actions, behavior or words isn’t the point of forgiveness. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life — by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to wield in your life.

What if I’m the one who needs forgiveness?

The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you’ve done and how those wrongs have affected others. At the same time, avoid judging yourself too harshly. You’re human, and you’ll make mistakes. If you’re truly sorry for something you’ve said or done, consider admitting it to those you’ve harmed. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret, and specifically, ask for forgiveness — without making excuses. Remember, however, you can’t force someone to forgive you. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. Whatever the outcome, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect.



Get Rid Of Nervousness

Moving away from the comfort zone generates nervousness in almost everyone. It is normal and even help you to remain active and alert. But the problem starts when you develop the tendency to be the victim of it. It starts to affect the best of you and also stops you to take up further initiative in life. Hence, you should make a conscious effort to counter your nervousness and get rid of it as soon as possible.

When you go beyond your comfort zone, you feel low self-confidence and that generate a fear of making mistakes. You think that your respect is at the stake in taking up the initiatives. You fear about other people opinion about yourself and that in turn makes a heavy burden on your mind and prevents you to move ahead in your life.

Most of the people, due to lack of self-confidence develop a different kind of apprehensions. They do not have trust and faith in their capabilities and stops to make progress in their lives. There are many situations, which generate nervousness in people, such as attending interview/meetings, participating in group discussion, appearing before higher authority, speaking in public, giving a performance, and of the same.

To get rid of nervousness requires making a preparation in advance and taking up initiative to do the things constantly which make you feel nervous. Always keep in mind, as a human being you are bound to make mistakes and the person who matter in your life will never have a problem with that. They will feel sorry only when you stop trying new things to make your life meaningful. You can also make a guess about what the worse will happen if you are not succeeded and in that situation what other will think about you? Ask yourself if you make an opinion about a person who gets failures in their initiative. You will realize that generally people do not have much time to think about others and those people who think will never have a problem with your mistakes.

Finally, make a conscious effort to do the things regularly which makes you nervous. By doing this, you will not only feel confident about those things, but also no longer have any kind of apprehension in your life while taking up new initiatives. So, get rid of nervousness as soon as possible and make your life interesting to live.


Do Not Keep Your Mind Idle

Keeping an idle mind is having no meaningful thought in mind. By its very nature, mind cannot remain empty. If it is not having productive thoughts, then it succumbs to its lower nature and slip into past and future moment to feed themselves with unhealthy thoughts. Hence to live a meaningful life, you have to make your mind engage with the positive and purposeful thought.

Most of the people generally spend their lifetime aimlessly. They do not set a definite goal in their lives. That is why their mind becomes the victim of all sort of vices and wastes their lifetime by having unhealthy thoughts. They tend to regret about past and worry about future and that in turn lead them to remain tense all the time.

The person who has a definite goal for their lives, always keep their mind focused on purposeful thoughts. Their mind does not get affected by negative emotions such as anger, frustration, and jealousy and of the same. They always keep their mind engaged in charting out the road map to realize their short-term as well as long-term goals of their lives sooner than later.

Finally, you should not live your life aimlessly and become the victim of all sort of negative emotions. You must have goal and lead a purposeful life. Make short-term as well as long-term goals in life and systematically work to achieve them step by step. You should also keep a conscious watch on your mind and do not let it drift in unproductive thoughts. Always remember, your mind shapes your life, so make it work for you.


Being Yourself; Knowing Who You Are.

It is quite a simple statement really, to say “Just be yourself” – but when faced with the tough situations in life you ask yourself

• Who am I?

• What does it involve being myself?

• How can I be myself if I really don’t know who I am right now?

• How do I find out who I really am? Who can tell me this?

The answer is YOU. You need to unveil what it is that “fulfills” you. When I say “fulfill” I mean what “completes you” as a person. What truly makes you happy and at peace with life? You were born totally unique and began growing up on the path devoted totally to you.

Then some time, some where we are influenced by the outside world and start becoming or trying to become somebody else. Society pushes us to have “her hair” or “her body” or “their marriage” or car or house or career.

We are bombarded with choices and fail to make decisions based on our best interests. We get confused and off track and suddenly we don’t know where to turn.

Don’t worry. The solutions are in “you”. Take stock of your personality. Write down all the positive things about yourself, about who you are. Note all the negative things that you could probably work on improving (don’t dwell too much on these points at the moment). But where I am headed with this is to acknowledge a few attributes about you that make you – You.

Ask a close friend, relative or colleague to also write down some positive things about you and some negative things that they believe you could change. Are you seeing the same qualities in yourself as how others see you? You don’t really have to do this activity to benefit from it – but just merely thinking about the outcome might give you the starting point for expressing who you truly are.

Identifying your strengths and weaknesses.

Are whether you are honest with yourself?

I say it’s a mental thing. An obsession. A control issue and a very deceiving condition. 

Lies. Lying to yourself, your husband, your mum, your friends. Everybody close to you. But mostly damaging yourself. When you lie to yourself you are breaking the biggest form of trust one can tamper with and that itself will destroy you.

For whatever you are facing right now, I want to assure you it’s okay. You don’t have to be a victim. Just because you’ve lied, or feel the need to lie, it doesn’t mean you are a bad person and should be banished. You simply need to forgive. Think of yourself as a small child looking for approval. All that child wants is some guidance, hope, encouragement, love and acceptance. If you deny a child those things they are going to feel scared. They are going to be frightened of the world and they are going to hold back on striving to be the best they can be because of self doubt. So forgive your mistakes, accept you have done wrong, learn the lesson being taught and move on with encouragement that things will get better.

You are only human, you are allowed to make mistakes. The true spirit comes from allowing these mistakes to act as stepping stones into the pathway of your success. You can leave them behind so long as you continue to keep paving that road ahead of you. With every situation you are faced in life, you can ask yourself “Am I being genuine, real, authentic, sincere and true to myself?”.

Making decisions in your life that choke you with the guilt are not in your best interests. You are only hurting yourself. Until you realize you are a total victim of yourself. You are your own worst enemy. You are abusing yourself in the highest form of abuse. You are sick of being treated this way and the only one who can change this is you. You have to learn to love yourself, appreciate yourself and accept yourself for all that you are. That makes you decide that you didn’t like the person you had become and you had to change.

We all have flaws. We all have battles. We all have room for improvement. Don’t see perfections around you. Not all are perfect. All misbehave in their own time. It takes a while, but accept who you are. Accept your journey as necessary to bring you where you are right now. Sure you have regrets – everybody has, but choose not to dwell on them because they are part of your past.

They are all necessary to bring you to where you are right now. You should look into your future and knowing that whatever obstacles are presented to you now – you have the strength to handle them. You might not get it at first go, you might not follow a direct line, but ultimately you will get there. And you will get there with honesty, optimism and a full heart – because being empty is nobody’s desire.


Do Not Influence Or Encourage Gossips Or Rumors.

The dangers of gossip should be enough to convince anyone to avoid gossip, unfortunately, they are not. Gossip is temping and often encouraged by the behaviors of people.

Gossips welcome all new gossip and they often turn those who don’t participate in their gossip into their own victims of new gossip. Its often easier to participate than to risk becoming a victim and for many there is also an attraction (for a multitude of reason) to participate for their own reasons.

Gossip is selfish and usually malicious in that it downplays or attacks someone else (whether subtle or obvious) to make the gossips look better in comparison. This is exactly why its so destructive because it destroys so much in oneself, let alone the victims of gossip. It destroys your character and puts you into a position where you can’t be trusted.

The power that gossip gives is very temporary and usually short sided which ends up coming back negatively to the gossips.

The most common of these methods is when gossip turns around and the people involved in gossip then become victims of gossip themselves, often within the same group destroying any bonds the gossip might be falsely or temporarily created anyway.

Other consequences of gossip are getting caught, building mistrust, false relationships, spreading untrue rumors and many hurt feelings and people left in the wake of gossip.

The great thing about gossip is that it really is very easy to free yourself from it if you can chose to avoid it and learn a few techniques to help identify it, handle it and stay clear of the problems caused by it. So how is that done?

Identify Gossip :

Many times gossip is quite obvious and undisguised. It could be as simple as people asking questions about what you heard or know or thought about someone else or their actions. It could sound like the following:

  • Did you hear what Frank said to Sally?
  • You wouldn’t believe what I heard John did this weekend?
  • I heard that Gerry…
  • Did you see Lisa’s new boyfriend?

All these do not necessarily lead to negative gossip but they are obvious conversations about other people and should be very easy to identify in a conversation or start of one.

Not all gossip is as easy to recognize as this, unfortunately, and sometimes it is much more disguised. It might even happen when talking with a friend or colleague when the conversation started about simple facts or positives about someone else and shifted to negatives or problems about that person.

If you are not talking about how to help that person, support them to resolve their problems or some other positive action when discussing others, its quite likely its turning into gossip.

Basically, if you are talking about someone else, you need to really stop and think if you are doing it to help them or not. If your not, its gossip and there is no need for it.

Influencing Gossip :

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”

Since gossip is so powerful it has a great influence on others and so it must be battled through positive influence in response. There are a number of actions you can take against gossip.

Ignore it :

  • Avoid people who talk gossip and don’t give any opportunities for them to spread it.
  • Simply leave the room or conversation when gossip starts.
  • Don’t respond to questions about opinions on others or other gossip traps.
  • Ignore gossip and don’t engage in any gossip based conversations.

Prevent it :

  • Never start any of your own gossip.
  • Change the topic whenever a conversation leads to gossip.
  • Refuse to listen or respond to any gossip you are faced with.
  • Hide any hurt feelings or dramatic reaction to gossip. This fuels the gossips to continue as its often what gossips want to generate.

Confront it :

  • Politely say that you would prefer to talk about that person when they are present.
  • If you know the source of gossip, go and confront them immediately and calmly tell them you do not appreciate them talking about you and that it causes hurt feelings whether intentional or not.
  • If you hear someone start some gossip, offer to go to that victimized person with the gossiper right away to discuss it.
  • Simply respond to gossip, “Would you like to have someone share that about you without you knowing?” and walk away.
  • State I don’t like talking about other people because I don’t like them talking about me.
  • State that you don’t talk about others unless its to help them or support them.
  • State that you don’t want to talk about others negatively unless they are involved in the discussion.