Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer grows you.
No matter how hectic or stressful our days are, whether we’re sitting at our desks or waiting in line, we have the opportunity to pause and adjust our perspective.
We have the opportunity to be kinder — both to ourselves and others. We have the opportunity to relax and slow down. And we have the opportunity to refocus. Even if it’s for a minute or two.
In her book Self-Meditation: 3,299 Mantras, Tips, Quotes and Koans for Peace and Serenity, bestselling author Barbara Ann Kipfer offers a wealth of inspiration for practicing kindness and breathing in the beauty of daily moments and the miracles that are our lives.
Here are 20 of my favorite suggestions from her book.
1. Let small chores act as a stop sign to “breathe, relax and experience peace.”
2. Sit down and “become a human still life.” Don’t do anything. Just breathe.
3. When you’re driving, focus solely on that experience. “Feel the steering wheel, the pedals, the seat.”
4. “Listen for the quietest sound.”
5. Focus on your sense of smell. Take something you’d like to smell, such as a flower or food, and put it up close to your nose. Notice the changes in the aroma. Focus on the sensations in your body as you inhale and exhale. Then try to focus on other fragrances around you throughout the day.
6. Focus on your sense of touch. Focus on the sensation of your hands touching each other, “your clothes brushing against your skin, and the air moving across your face.”
7. In the beginning of the week, pick an activity you normally do on autopilot, such as washing your hands, applying makeup or getting into your car. Pause for several seconds before starting the activity. Then perform it with your full attention.
8. “Imagine that you are a kite soaring in the sky. Surrender to the wind, but be aware of the string that anchors you to the ground and keeps you safe.”
9. When you’re performing a chore, focus your full attention on your hands. “Note all the sensations in your fingers, your palms, and your wrists.”
10. Send yourself some loving-kindness (or “meta”). Focus your attention on an aspect of your mind or body that you feel separated from. Acknowledge this. You might say something like: “May I accept this. May I be filled with loving-kindness toward this. May I use the pain of this experience for the welfare of all.”
11. As you’re trying to fall asleep, “imagine that with each breath you are melting into an ocean of light and space.”
12. When you turn on the faucet, focus on the bigger picture. “See the water flowing down from the glaciers and mountains, running deep into the earth, sustaining you and all life.”
13. When you wake up, feel your feet touch the floor. “Be aware of their weight, the floor supporting your body, and the motion of your feet and legs as you begin to walk.”
14. When you get home from work, every day, stand in front of your door and appreciate the moment. Rejoice in it. “Breathe in and out three times.”
15. Set an alarm to ring every hour to remind yourself to “wake up and appreciate the miracle of every moment. Say, ‘[Your name], wake up!”
16. Picture your thoughts as balloons floating by.
17. Visualize a mountain lake with a smooth, glassy surface. A breeze sends ripples across the water. As the breeze quiets down, so do the ripples, and the water returns to being smooth. When something ruffles you, return to this visualization. “Feel the ripples and then let them settle.”
18. Think of your mind as a swinging door. “Thoughts and feelings come in and out, like people. Be the door, not the doorman.”
19. Picture a person or pet you love greatly. Imagine they’re “giving you a look that melts your heart.” Think about the things you love most about them. With each breath you take, let your heart fill with love. “Imagine your two souls connected by the caring you have for each other.”
20. “See yourself as a small child, fragile and vulnerable, and breathe in. Smile with love to this small child within yourself, and breathe out.”
These suggestions will help you start off the New Year right!
1. Stay positive. You can listen to the cynics and doubters and believe that success is impossible or you can know that with faith and an optimistic attitude all things are possible.
2. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement: My purpose is _______________________.
3. Take a morning walk of gratitude. I call it a “thank you walk.” It will create a fertile mind ready for success.
4. Instead of being disappointed about where you are, think optimistically about where you are going.
5. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a Prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
6. Remember that adversity is not a dead-end but a detour to a better outcome.
7. Focus on learning, loving, growing and serving.
8. Believe that everything happens for a reason. Expect good things to come out of challenging experiences.
9. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead, invest your energy in the positive present moment.
10. Mentor someone, and be mentored by someone.
11. Live with the 3 E’s. Energy, Enthusiasm, Empathy.
12. Remember, there’s no substitute for hard work.
13. Zoom focus. Each day when you wake up in the morning ask: “What are the three most important things I need to do today that will help me create the success I desire?” Then tune out all the distractions and focus on these actions.
14. Implement the ‘No Complaining Rule.’ Complaining is like vomiting. Afterwards, you feel better but everyone around you feels sick.
15. Read more books than you did in 2015. I happen to know of a few good ones!
16. Get more sleep. You can’t replace sleep with a double latte.
17. Focus on “Get to” vs. “Have to.” Each day focus on what you get to do, not what you have to do. Life is a gift, not an obligation.
18. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements:
I am thankful for __________.
Today I accomplished ____________.
19. Smile and laugh more. They are natural anti-depressants.
20. Enjoy the ride.
“You only have one ride through life, so make the most of it and enjoy it.”
Stress is inevitable. It walks in and out of our lives on a regular basis. And it can easily walk all over us unless we take action. Fortunately, there are many things you can do to minimize and cope with stress. Here are 10 ideas for handling stress without causing more strain and hassle.
1. Figure out where the stress is coming from.
Oftentimes, when we’re stressed, it seems like a big mess with stressors appearing from every angle. We start to feel like we’re playing a game of dodgeball, ducking and darting so we don’t get smacked by a barrage of balls. We take a defensive position, and not a good one at that.
Instead of feeling like you’re flailing day to day, identify what you’re actually stressed about. Is it a specific project at work, an upcoming exam, a dispute with your boss, a heap of laundry, a fight with your family?
By getting specific and pinpointing the stressors in your life, you’re one step closer to getting organized and taking action.
2. Consider what you can control—and work on that.
While you can’t control what your boss does, what your in-laws say or the sour state of the economy, you can control how you react, how you accomplish work, how you spend your time and what you spend your money on.
The worst thing for stress is trying to take control over uncontrollable things. Because when you inevitably fail — since it’s beyond your control — you only get more stressed out and feel helpless. So after you’ve thought through what’s stressing you out, identify the stressors that you can control, and determine the best ways to take action.
Take the example of a work project. If the scope is stressing you out, talk it over with your supervisor or break the project down into step-wise tasks and deadlines.
Stress can be paralyzing. Doing what’s within your power moves you forward and is empowering and invigorating.
3. Do what you love.
It’s so much easier to manage pockets of stress when the rest of your life is filled with activities you love. Even if your job is stress central, you can find one hobby or two that enrich your world. What are you passionate about? If you’re not sure, experiment with a variety of activities to find something that’s especially meaningful and fulfilling.
4. Manage your time well.
One of the biggest stressors for many people is the lack of time. Their to-do list expands while time flies. How often have you wished for more hours in the day or heard others lament their lack of time? But you’ve got more time than you think, as Laura Vanderkam writes in her aptly titled book, 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think.
We all have the same 168 hours, and yet there are plenty of people who are dedicated parents and full-time employees and who get at least seven hours of sleep a night and lead fulfilling lives.
5. Create a toolbox of techniques.
One stress-shrinking strategy won’t work for all your problems. For instance, while deep breathing is helpful when you’re stuck in traffic or hanging at home, it might not rescue you during a business meeting.
Because stress is complex, “What we need is a toolbox that’s full of techniques that we can fit and choose for the stressor in the present moment,” said Richard Blonna, Ed.D, a nationally certified coach and counselor and author of Stress Less, Live More: How Acceptance & Commitment Therapy Can Help You Live a Busy Yet Balanced Life.
6. Pick off the negotiable tasks from your plate.
Review your daily and weekly activities to see what you can pick off your plate. As Vanderkam asks in her book: “Do your kids really love their extracurricular activities or are they doing them to please you? Are you volunteering for too many causes and so stealing time from the ones where you could make the most impact? Does your whole department really need to meet once per week or have that daily conference call?”
Blonna suggested asking these questions: “Do [my activities] mesh with my goals and values? Am I doing things that give my life meaning? Am I doing the right amount of things?”
Reducing your stack of negotiable tasks can greatly reduce your stress.
7. Are you leaving yourself extra vulnerable to stress?
Whether you perceive something as a stressor depends in part on your current state of mind and body. That is, as Blonna said, “Each transaction we’re involved in takes place in a very specific context that’s affected by our health, sleep, psychoactive substances, whether we’ve had breakfast [that day] and [whether we’re] physically fit.”
So if you’re not getting sufficient sleep or physical activity during the week, you may be leaving yourself extra susceptible to stress. When you’re sleep-deprived, sedentary and filled to the brim with coffee, even the smallest stressors can have a huge impact.
8. Preserve good boundaries.
If you’re a people-pleaser, saying no feels like you’re abandoning someone, have become a terrible person or are throwing all civility out the window. But of course, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Plus, those few seconds of discomfort are well worth avoiding the stress of taking on an extra activity or doing something that doesn’t contribute value to your life.
One thing I’ve noticed about productive, happy people is that they’re very protective of their time and having their boundaries crossed. But not to worry: Building boundaries is a skill you can learn.
9. Realize there’s a difference between worrying and caring.
Sometimes, our mindset can boost stress, so a small issue mushroom into a pile of problems. We continue worrying, somehow thinking that this is a productive — or at least inevitable — response to stress. But we mistake worry for action.
Clinical psychologist Chad LeJeune, Ph.D., talks about the idea of worrying versus caring in his book, The Worry Trap: How to Free Yourself from Worry & Anxiety Using Acceptance & Commitment Therapy. Worrying is an attempt to exert control over the future by thinking about it, whereas caring is taking action. When we are caring for someone or something, we do the things that support or advance the best interests of the person or thing that we care about.
LeJeune uses the simple example of houseplants. He writes: “If you are away from home for a week, you can worry about your houseplants every single day and still return home to find them brown and wilted. Worrying is not watering.”
Similarly, fretting about your finances does nothing but get you worked up (and likely prevent you from taking action). Caring about your finances, however, means creating a budget, paying bills on time, using coupons and reducing how often you dine out.
Just this small shift in mindset from worrying to caring can help you adjust your reaction to stress. To see this distinction between worrying and caring, try this activity where you can list responses for each one. For example:
Worrying about your health involves…
Caring about your health involves…
Worrying about your career involves…
Caring about your career involves…
10. Embrace mistakes—or at least don’t drown in perfectionism.
Another mindset that can exacerbate stress is perfectionism. Trying to be mistake-free and essentially spending your days walking on eggshells is exhausting and anxiety-provoking. Talk about putting pressure on yourself! And as we all know but tend to forget: Perfectionism is impossible and not human, anyway.
As the researcher, Brene Brown writes in her book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, “Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth and it’s not self-improvement.”
Nothing good can come from perfectionism. Brown writes: “Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction and life-paralysis [‘all the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect’].”
Plus, mistake-mistaking can lead to growth. To overcome perfectionism, Brown suggests becoming more compassionate toward yourself. I couldn’t agree more.
The act of opening your heart is a bond of trust. It is the act of sharing the whims of the heart. You trust that you are being listened to and that the person has an honest response. Opening your heart is not about good reception or making things better, it’s about making yourself understood.
- It’s not about you. You know yourself, your heart and your love, they don‘t. The first thing you need to know about opening your heart is that you don’t do it for yourself. Don’t expect a particular outcome; the truth is your goal.
- Groundwork. You need to ensure that you are being listened to. When you open up to another person about your love, make sure that you have their total attention, make sure they are listening to you. Miscommunication is a pointless pain.
- Be honest, even if you don’t know what you feel or want. If they care, they will help you sort through whatever mess your heart is in.
- Ask for honesty. Show your expectation of mutual trust.
- Whatever happens, walk away with pride knowing you honored yourself, your feelings, and your relationship with the other person. Nothing is beautiful as honest love.
- Do it for them, not yourself.
- Don’t expect anything, but the truth.
Do you ever feel guilty about being ungrateful to your best friends? Do you think they give more to you than you give to them?
- Show them you’re grateful for them being there. Invite them over to your house, get them a special gift for birthdays, or Christmas. Don’t make them feel neglected.
- Don’t wander off and go and talk to someone else, even if you don’t have much interest in what they’re talking about. It will embarrass them, make them feel bad about you, and they might even start to hate you.
- Be loyal. If they get bullied, stand up to the bullies. This doesn’t necessarily mean insult/hit them back. It means being strong and looking them straight in the eye and saying something like, “Well, if you’re done I think we’ll be off!” and link your friend’s arm and walk away calmly. DON’T LOOK BACK!
- Make time to get to know them. Maybe if you’re at a coffee shop, and you know their favorite coffee, smile and say “I’ll order” and when you come back to the table with their favorite espresso or latte, they’ll be impressed and grateful.
How Do You Deal With The Ongoings Of Ungrateful People In Your Daily Life?
Ungrateful people are going to enter and exit your life, but it is up to you how you deal with their behaviors. The way I view these type of people is probably the way most of us feel, but I can only offer my opinion and experiences with people who lack the skills to be grateful for the blessings in their life. Maturity is a major issue with being ungrateful.
I do not believe that people intend to not show how thankful they are to be alive and receive what they have. When I encounter a person such as this, I do not embrace their selfishness and lack of understanding of being a thankful and appreciative person. I believe they give off their weakness, and I believe that it can be contagious to those around you. On the other aspect, that same weakness can disgust people that understand where those intentions of being ungrateful are coming from. The feeling eats me up inside when I am around an individual that does not realize how lucky they are for what they have in their life. It fades in and out for me, and, when I look back, I don’t like that person looking back at me.
The key to dealing with an ungrateful entity is to not embrace their selfishness. Step away from how they have made you feel when you have reached out to them with a gift or advice, even if they asked for that advice. Just because they are negative and somewhat egotistic, does not mean that you have to return the mood that they are illuminating.
I deal with these ungrateful beings by walking away with a smile on my face. If I don’t feel like smiling and walking away, I still stay polite and mature. They do not have to thank me. They also do not have to embrace me. Be the better person to not feed the reaction they are seeking from you by expelling their ungratefulness. Be kind, walk away, and be free.